


Voices of the Past

by WritinRedhead



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: (because... well... ghosts), Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 02:04:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12447264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/pseuds/WritinRedhead
Summary: The accident happened one year ago, but only now Cassian finds the strength to face its aftermath.





	Voices of the Past

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 13 Days of Sniperpilot Halloween Day 4 - Ghosts and Gore
> 
> Many thanks to [ NoMeDigas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoMeDigas/pseuds/NoMeDigas) for the beta. :D

Cassian presses the back of his hands against his eyes, but even that can’t hold back the tears running down his face, hot and salty, soaking into the collar of his jacket. The hole in his chest still feels as raw and ragged as if only a day went by instead of a whole year. He can’t believe that so much time has passed already since that fateful night. For Cassian, it’s as if time stopped then and there. He presses harder, hoping to conjure up the strength to speak. That’s what he came for, after all.

He takes in a sharp breath and the sob that escapes makes him sound broken even to himself. There’s a wobbly feeling in his legs and he stretches out a hand to brace himself against the cold stone.

“I… I don’t know what to say,” he begins haltingly. “Ridiculous, isn’t it? I came all this way to talk to you and now I don’t know what to say.” He attempts a laugh but fails. “You’d know what to say, I’m sure. You were always good at talking, even better at making me talk.”

Nostalgia floods through Cassian as he traces his hand over the top of the stone, feeling the smooth, cold surface, only interrupted by tiny patches of moss starting to grow. Memories of laughter and excited chatter pop into his mind, making his eyes grow wet again and the words harder to get out. If that is even possible.

“Now…” Cassian swallows. “Now it’s just quiet at home.”

A gust of wind picks up some of the fallen leaves and whirls them around him, the only splash of colour besides the flowers he’s brought with him. Cassian looks at the bright yellow petals, contrasting against the bleak marble with nothing but an inscription on it.

‘Why do you like them so much? They’re plain and ordinary. Just simple buttercups.’

‘Hmm, good question. Maybe because they remind me of a sunny morning, no matter the weather. They make me smile. Like you.’

Cassian’s chest clenches and he needs a moment before he opens his mouth to say what he came for. What’s most important. What he can never say enough. What he’ll never have the chance to say again.

“I love you. I’ll always love you, even if you’re not here with me anymore.” Another, choked breath wrenches itself up his throat and he balls his fists. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. I miss you, do you hear me? I miss you every single, godforsaken day! I -”

His voice breaks as he loses the fight against the tears. 

_"Please don’t cry. I never liked seeing you cry. It makes me sad too.”_

Cassian’s head snaps up and he looks around, sure of having heard a familiar voice, as impossible as that is.

He can’t see anyone, though. No one else is with him, except for a lone crow sitting in one of the weeping willows. He’s all alone on the graveyard on this grey October morning. Just as grey and foggy as it had been one year ago, driving down Highway 101, going homewards, not seeing the oncoming truck leave its lane.

Cassian bites his knuckles, but the ensuing pain is no match for the one in his chest. He shouldn’t have come.

He turns to leave - to go home, not to run away as his heart tells him that he is - when he feels the hold of a hand on his arm, stopping him.

_“Don’t go yet. Please. I haven’t seen you in so long.”_

The hand first warps around his, squeezing his fingers like a long overdue greeting, then moves up to cup his cheek, lovingly caressing his face.

Cassian doesn’t know what to do. Is he going insane? Is he finally losing it? He’s had nightmares before, or rather, had dreams. The nightmares are what’s awaiting him when he wakes up, panting and  _his_ name still on Cassian’s lips. This is the first time his hallucinations have become so tangible. He’s getting worse.

And still. He doesn’t go. Doesn’t run.

“… Bodhi?” Cassian asks, carefully, not knowing if he’s more afraid to get an answer or silence in response. “Is… is that you?”

 _“Yes,”_  the voice says, and Cassian still can’t see anyone.  _“I’m here. I never really left you.”_  The cool, gentle touch of fingers moves over his cheek, brushing away a tear that has yet to dry.  _“In some way, I’m always with you, you know.”_

Cassian’s knees buckle. He sinks down in front of the headstone. Earth, moist from fog and dew, dampening his jeans. The arm wraps around his shoulders. It should feel cool, like the fingers, but the memory it evokes burns as hot as fire. If this is going insane, he welcomes it.

_“It’s good to see your face again. I’m sorry I couldn’t visit. I tried to, but it looks like I can’t leave here.”_

“Bodhi…” Not able to find the right words, Cassian just repeats his name between shaky breaths. “Bodhi, I… ”

_“I know. I love you too, Cass.”_

Cassian revels in the touch, lets it take him back to days long gone. He stays like that, on the ground and wrapped in an invisible embrace, until somewhere in the distance he hears Jyn calling his name, apparently worried enough to come after him, even though he’d insisted on going alone.

The voice chuckles, and it reminds Cassian of a wind chime. _“Go with her. She’s going to be mad if she has to search the whole place, only to find you in the dirt.”_ A bit quieter, it adds,  _“I’m glad someone’s looking after you. You need that.”_

“What? I can’t - I can’t go now.” He’s finally found his voice again. “I have so much tell you, there’s so much I never said, and -”

The cool hand with the warm touch rubs over his back and squeezes his shoulder.  _“Then just come back. I’ll be here for as long as you need me to. Just come back to me, Cassian.”_

Filling his lungs with the crisp morning air, Cassian stands up and straightens his back, trying to regain his composure. He nods. Slowly. A promise to the both of them.

“Okay,” he says. “I will.”

 _“Good.”_  The sound of the voice one that Cassian associates with a bright smile and gorgeous eyes looking at him while lazing in bed together.  _“I’m looking forward to it.”_

The leaves on the ground rustle again and Cassian feels the soft press of lips on his cheek. It’s gone before he can lean into it.

As he closes the rusty iron gate, stepping back into the world of the living, he turns around once more. The sun is breaking through the fog.

He should have come sooner.

 


End file.
